Friday, July 24, 2020

11 and 13

It has been a week since my girls turned 11 and 13 and I wanted to keep my personal "tradition" by writing something to honor them. 
I have been parenting for 13 years now; I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions for that long too and even though most days I feel like I'm succeeding at it, I would be lying if I said that there aren't terrible days when I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing.  As a mother, I question myself a lot; I often wonder if I'm modeling the behavior needed to raise good humans, I wonder if my kids love me, I ask myself what else I could be doing to make their lives better, I wonder if I'm doing my absolute best effort at giving them all the tools they need to be great people and to succeed in life and because this week someone I know tragically lost her 4-year-old child, I have also found myself wondering how much time I will have with my children in this earthly life...too many thoughts fill my mind.
But despite all my self-doubt and the terrible parenting days, I know my children are an absolute blessing; they are healthy, smart, loving, and kind-hearted people who are making the world a better place and for that, I am happy and satisfied.

On July 16th Gaby turned 11 years old, she will soon be starting middle school and even though she's shy and mostly a loner, she's an absolute joy to be around.  Gaby loves reading, playing Roblox, eating all the sugar, and spending time with her cats (cat lover like her mama!).  Gaby is a girl of few friends, very private and quite irritable at times, part of her personality so we understand her. This year's celebration was very different from prior birthdays (for obvious reasons); she chose to have 2 friends over and thoroughly enjoyed her afternoon. I realize Gaby doesn't need much to be splendidly happy but she does crave love and affection so I will live to give her as much of that as I possibly can, all the days of my life.  Happy Birthday, Gaby! We love you so much!

On July 17th Olivia officially became a teenager, although I could argue she has had that teenage "sass" for some time now ;) Olivia is a shining star; she has such a magnetic personality and a huge heart! She loves Harry Styles, decorating and re-decorating her room, fashion, and make-up (not sure where she got that one from! LOL).  She has also become quite the shopper but I can proudly say she's super conscious about money (she did get that from me, thank God!). As opposed to Gaby, Olivia is very outgoing and a complete social butterfly, I really love that about her! She spent her birthday with one of her friends and had an absolute blast regardless of current limitations. Happy Birthday, Olivia! Go be a teenager!

I thank God every day for my children, I am grateful for all the blessings that are poured onto our family every day, I am also grateful for the not so good days when I question myself and when I fail because they are an opportunity to learn and grow.  I pray that God gives me the wisdom to raise good people and hope that if my kids only ever remember one thing about me is that I will always try my absolute hardest to love them for who they are. 

And last but not least, I would like to offer a special prayer for the mom who lost her precious child this week, may she have the strength to cope with such terrible loss and may we all be conscious of the collective suffering of a life lost. 

Friday, July 3, 2020

The hate that keeps on giving

It used to be so easy to blog, I'd just think of some happy anecdote or a fun topic to share and "boom" it was all great in my happy blog world!

Then the pandemic started and everything (and everyone!) turned sour. The "happy mom" in me started to wither away.  
It all started with a hate email I received, presumably from someone I went to elementary school with (someone who probably hasn't seen me in over 25 years since my elementary years were in Venezuela).  According to this "hater" and apparent stalker, there is an official "Adriana hating club" made up of people that take my pictures off the internet to make fun of me, belittle me, and occasionally wish ill on my children and my marriage, claiming it's all about karma because (according to her) I was a bully in school.  The email is probably one of the most horrific things I have read in my life but funnily enough, it only made me feel sorry for whoever wrote it (it was an anonymous sender) because not only was it entirely false but even if whatever she wrote on there was true, what kind of person can harbor so much hate for someone after so long?.  First I was shocked, then angry and then a bit amused. But the point of bringing this up isn't to fish for sympathy (believe me, I got over that email pretty quickly!) but to point out the fact that after that email, seeing the "ugly" in people became an everyday thing, feeling disappointed in people became a sort of norm and my eyes were strangely open to the insurmountable amount of hate that others harvest in their heart, sometimes for people they don't even know or will never meet. 
With all that has being going on in the world, social media has quickly become a repository of hateful commentary, often disguised as causes with a purpose or respectful disagreements between people who are presumably on friendly terms. It became a toxic addiction for everyone and suddenly even my closest "tribe" turned into keyboard warriors with no regard for anyone's feelings.  I realized that getting along with hypocrites is rather easy but standing up to "friends" is the complete opposite. I've had friends comment on how much the internet affects their mood or how watching something on TV turns their day sour; this is upsetting, it's unsettling and I know it won't end any time soon!
I am concerned with our world and not only because of the obvious (we all know what I mean!) but because the root of all those problems is simply the hate that keeps on giving and will keep on giving for as long as we feed it.  I don't recognize many people anymore, it's hard to see where people stand and even harder to have hope in a world that progressively fell on its knees and now blames it on a pandemic or tragic events that have uncovered the ugly in us. 
I want to go back to the time where I could blog carelessly without fear of offending someone for something, I long for the mundane, I long for the "happy times" that brought everyone together, I want to trust that everyone who is close to me only wishes the best for me as I do for them. I want to be able to get on social media without fear of "bad news" or "bad juju".
I'm tired of fakeness, I'm tired of haters, I'm tired of Debbie downers, I'm tired of people politicizing everything, I'm just tired of the hate...the hate that keeps on giving!