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Wednesday, October 30, 2019

I'm a GIVER!

I've been awful at keeping up with my blog lately, partly because I've been really busy and partly because I've been in sort of a funk in my personal life...
The kids' school responsibilities are overwhelming, Iggy's business trips are exhausting and life, in general, has come at me very strongly..I've also had my share of disappointments with people I consider close and I've been dealing with raising a quasi teenager who has more bad days than good ones; I knew the day I'd be called a "mean mother" by my kids would come, but boy did it hit me like a ton of bricks.. so I think I've been a bit down and understandably so!
 I have questioned my parenting more often than not in the past few weeks and I have frequently felt discouraged generally speaking...
I'm not a fun person; I don't drink, I don't party, I don't like staying up late, I don't enjoy the beach and I'm pretty serious in everything I do; I don't generally get invited to social events and even the people who I consider close don't include me in whatever they do. I spend most of my days volunteering at church or school and very rarely do I do anything for me..maybe I'm just.. BORING?...
I'm very critical of myself and also very observant and sometimes I feel like even though I'm a good friend, I'm just not a "desirable" person, maybe I speak my mind too often and too loudly? Who knows...  There are days when I try to analyze those feelings and maybe look at them through a different lense; there are days when I wonder if people just see me as a smart person who gives really good advice (because people do come to me for advice and input) and can solve problems easily but there also days when I think people just take advantage of me for the very same reasons...is either of those things a GOOD thing?  I'm not sure anymore...
When I recently made this blog entry, a very wise friend told me that usually the "givers" are the happiest people and I realize that she's completely right and maybe that is my "problem".. I am a GIVER.. I do everything FOR people, I don't expect anything FROM people and maybe I'm completely fine with the idea of eternally being the person that isn't invited to social events, or the person who sits on the sidelines watching everyone have fun until they need something from me.
I'm not often one to have self-doubt but being a giver is a tough spot to be in.. sometimes I need that social interaction, sometimes I thrive on fostering two-way friendships and I just don't see it happening that often...am I wrong to want that?