Memoirs of my life in the USA: Things were looking up...until they weren't

This post is a continuation of my last one (in case you're interested)

About 2 years into our new life, things were starting to look up. I had made some friends (some of which would become my lifelong best friends), my dad was already working in architecture, we had moved to a nicer area and were enrolled in a better school and I even had my first ever job, everything was definitely better.

Working as a teenager is not something I would have done had we stayed in Venezuela but I absolutely loved the fact that I could do it here; making my own money from the time I was 15 really taught me to be a hard worker and to value the effort that comes with it. I learned responsibility, work ethic, discipline, and many other skills that would prove useful in my adult life as well. I also bought my first car with my hard-earned money, so that was definitely a highlight of my first job!

See, coming to the United States was a CHOICE, there wasn’t a pressing financial or political reason to leave Venezuela at the time we did, we were just another family moving to a new country; I think my parents saw it more as a way for their children to grow up in a country with better opportunities all around, but the change did come at a price and I’d be lying if I said that even though things were better, it wasn’t a tough road. Choice aside, I am sure my sister Erika was a big motivator for that choice; she had been born in Texas in the late ’70s while my parents were in college and due to a case of medical malpractice, she ended up with mental retardation. Life in Venezuela wasn’t easy for her as a disabled person and I can imagine that it was very difficult for my parents to see her grow up in a place where there were no special considerations for anyone with her condition. In coming to the United States, my parents saw an opportunity for Erika to have a better life, to live in a place where she’d be treated humanely, somewhere she would be seen as a “handicapable” person and not some burden to society.  And that is exactly what we found here; great special ed programs, incredible doctors, the right medications, the right approach. And because Erika was an American citizen all of the immigration paperwork would be made easier for the rest of the family, there was a clear path for us to become legal permanent residents and subsequent citizens once Erika turned 21; meanwhile, my dad held a professional visa (we were his dependents) while we waited for her to reach the age where she could petition the whole family. 

But that day never came because Erika passed away unexpectedly on December 23rd, 1998, a month before her 21st birthday; our life was changing again, our family was crushed.  Erika’s death is the single most shattering event we have gone through as a family; a part of us died with her and it took a long time for the devastation to set in and even longer for us to come out of it (not like it has ever been possible to feel completely normal again!).   

With Erika’s passing came a lot of sadness, tears, setbacks, and a whole lot of reconfiguring of our plans and our lives in general. Our family was broken, our hearts were shattered and to add insult to injury, we had no place to go back to now because Venezuela was just starting its own nightmare with Hugo Chavez ascending to the presidency (if you know, you know!) and while I am sure my parents briefly considered the possibility of going back, the newly installed government quickly persuaded them to stay...and so we did.

I’d like to think that God used Erika for the very important purpose of bringing us here; it is no coincidence that her life inspired our move and the timing of her death cemented our stay.  I am thankful every single day for having had the blessing of Erika in my life; there isn’t a day that I don’t think of her and I know everything that happened was part of the plan... and broken heart and all we needed to start over…

(To be continued)

Memoirs of my life in the USA: How it started

Let's start with some high school pictures...

I was 14 years old when my mom propped an empty suitcase in front of me and said “whatever fits in here, that’s what you can take with you”...

Just a few months prior my parents had decided we were leaving Venezuela and permanently relocating to the United States, so while the suitcase scene didn’t shock me, it did feel like a turning point in my teenage mind...we were leaving.. I had been asked to pack...the move was real!

I saw my childhood home come apart when my mom decided that the easiest way to get ready for the move was to sell everything in the house and start anew. I remember very clearly when strangers would walk into our home and make offers on furniture, picture frames, kitchen appliances, even our Christmas tree ornaments were for sale. I spent the last few nights sleeping on the floor because my bed had been sold and celebrated my 15th birthday in an empty house blowing candles on a cake that sat on a kitchen stool, no bells or whistles, there was no time for a “quince” party, we were leaving the country within the next week!

On December 31st, 1996 we boarded a plane and said goodbye to our native country. I can still hear my sister Claudia sobbing at the airport and screaming “please don’t take me, I don’t want to leave!”, that moment will remain a jarring memory for me. It was the first day of our new lives and at the time it sounded odd that my parents had picked that day to move to a new country but 25 years later I can see why it was the perfect date; it meant closing a chapter and starting a new one along with ending a year and ringing in a new one, the meaning is deeper than I ever thought 25 years ago. 

The first few months were rough as I navigated the American high school experience as a newly arrived international freshman. Leaving my all-girl Catholic school to be “dumped” in a less than desirable public American high school wasn’t my cup of tea and I felt really lost for most of that first year.  I was no longer wearing a preppy uniform every day, there were no praying nuns with cheerful attitudes or people willing to be friendly just because that was the right thing to do.  Instead, I was faced with unwelcoming mean kids that made fun of me for not speaking English and for not understanding their sexual jokes, teachers that were mostly disconnected from the students’ needs, and a high school campus that looked more like a jail than it did a school. I often wondered what I had done to deserve this and so badly wanted to go back to the bubble I had lived in for the past 15 years. 

Things at home weren’t great either because we had gone from living a comfortable life in a big house to being crammed in a two-bedroom rental apartment. My dad was no longer Dean of Architecture in a prestigious university; he was now a pizza delivery driver trying to make ends meet and saving every penny so we could have a decent life as immigrants. My mom was no longer the always available stay-at-home mom, she was now another breadwinner and my sisters and I were spending more time alone than we ever had. Those first few months felt lonely and ominous, they brought so much anxiety and disruption to our perfect family but they also taught me the first lessons I learned in my new life as an immigrant, as the foreigner that I had become and the one I would always be. I learned that letting go of what was would be the only way to move forward, I learned that home is where your family is and that it is in difficult times that we truly understand the value of love, resilience, and sacrifice. 

Our life in the United States was just getting started…(to be continued!)

Sweet 16!

I love my husband unconditionally every day of the year but there is something about our anniversary that makes me sappy and overly giddy. 

 When I look at the life we have built in the past 16 years I can't help but think "gosh, how did I get so lucky!?".  And the "luck" I think about isn't about feeling a mushy kind of love every day, or never arguing about anything, or traveling together, or having healthy kids, or being able to afford a comfortable life. My "luck" is about having that one special person next to me when things don't go right, it's about knowing that even on the worst days we share a kind of love that we both guard more than anything else we have, it's about arguing and always finding a way back to each other, it's about being confident that no matter what, we'll always trust each other enough to see through whatever obstacle is thrown at us. 

I am "lucky" to love a partner who loves me back just as intensely, passionately, and unconditionally as I love him. We are lucky to have each other to go through good and bad times; to celebrate the happiness and share the sadness, someone to be vulnerable around, always knowing that there will be no judgment, and having no doubts that God put us together for a reason, being certain that we have a purpose as a couple, as a family.

That's what our anniversary means to me, a reminder that the love we share is bigger than ourselves and that our marriage will always be worth fighting for!

I love you forever, my Iggy. Thanks for making me the luckiest girl alive! 

Happy sweet 16!
 

He turned 6!

When I look at Oliver, it's hard to imagine my life without him. To think that he wasn't part of our plans makes me seriously doubt my planning abilities because he's certainly one of the best things that have happened to our family so I am glad God always has THE best plans for us and that He entrusted us with such a wonderful child. 

Oliver is the sweetest little boy I ever did see; so caring and loving, always coming up with different ways to bring happiness to whoever he meets. He loves superheroes, Math, art, and all things dessert! He enjoys sports, particularly tennis, is learning to play the piano, and has gotten quite good at reading too!

He is currently loving Kindergarten and has made lots and lots of new friends. I love to see him thriving in school and I am so proud of him.  He truly is a ray of sunshine in my life and I feel so blessed to be his mom. 

Oliver celebrated his birthday this past Saturday with an Avengers-themed party; he invited all of his friends and had an absolute blast. At the end of the party, he said to me "thank you, mom, for the best party!" I could truly see the light in his eye. 

I love Oliver's personality and I am always in awe of how mature he is.  He is incredibly self-aware and communicates his needs so well; I can definitely see the effects of having two older sisters and growing up in a "go-go-go" kind of family.  He enjoys the action but also loves relaxing at home.  I love that he adjusts so easily to our crazy dynamics and I can always count on him to make me laugh or lift my spirits at any given point. What a special kid!

Thank you, everyone, for the wonderful birthday wishes for Oliver. We are truly grateful for the blessing of his life. 

Happy 6th birthday, buddy! We love you so much!

Does it ever get easier?

 

A few months back I wrote this post about a perpetual state of sadness in the world, a collective "downness" that most people have experienced in the past year and a half (consider yourself lucky if you haven't). 

I, like many other people, have suffered the effects of the world shift that we have absolutely no control over.  A pandemic, a tense political climate, and an overall hostile environment are some of the things that have touched our lives in recent times, and in my personal life, I have also struggled with my kids experiencing anxiety and some form of "sadness" that is hard to define. 

But pandemic et. al aside, the world is just "different" now, and I am not referring to acceptable societal definitions of gender, family, norms, etc (that's a whole different topic); I am referring to the way in which we see ourselves and others. Somewhere along the way we all lost respect for humankind, we lost grip of the concept of common decency, we learned to be hateful, we embraced the possibility of running people over with our beliefs and minimizing what others think or ignoring what they have to say. I am having to teach my children basic values, things that at some point seemed obvious, I find myself having to say things like "a teacher shouldn't go through your backpack without your permission" or "you don't have to say yes if you don't agree", or "it's ok if you want to be super girly", or "it's ok to believe in God and say it proudly". When did this happen? When did the world become a place where people have to be afraid to stand up for themselves?  

In an attempt to be more "accepting", we have become "blind".  Blind to the fact that the world is a diverse place where people still have a mind of their own and it's ok if they don't go with the flow.  As a conservative, I have often felt harassed because of my beliefs; I am often "boxed" by people who don't even know me. When I got the vaccine, I had someone ask "why would you get vaccinated? aren't you a Republican?"...what does that even mean?.  On the flip side, I've also had people tell me "I'm disappointed in you for getting a vaccine, I thought you were smarter"...what does THAT even mean?

Do I really have to constantly defend who I am? Do I really have to explain why I think the way I do? Why do we live in such a judgy place and does it ever get easier? Why do the ones that preach "respect" are usually the least accepting?

The truth is, I am exhausted... I have a very hard time being the "happy mom". I'm tired of living in a world of passive-aggressiveness, a world where I have to measure my words even among "friends", a place where I have to always wonder if I'm offending anyone by simply being me. I'm tired of having to question people's true motives, of not knowing who to trust, of having to read into memes because people simply don't have the backbone to just be real!

And this has nothing to do with the pandemic, this is all on US and the constant need to outdo each other, the complacency with the idea of living in a "toxic" world and not taking responsibility for it. I know we can do better! I want a better tomorrow for my kids!

Does it ever get easier?

Olivia is 14!

When I got pregnant with Gaby and realized my kids could potentially share a birthday, I didn't know how to feel. Granted, we had planned for them to be 2 years apart but we didn't think it was going to be that exact!

It turns out they didn't end up sharing a birthday but their birthdays are close enough for them to share the spotlight (although they hate it sometimes!)

Today Olivia turns 14 and even though she's probably going through the most difficult years a person can have (at least according to me), she is walking through them with grace and rocking the teenage stage like only Olivia can do. She has the best sense of humor and is a social butterfly; she enjoys meeting new people and always finds common ground with everyone to make friendships. 

Olivia is a shopaholic and loves a good bargain; she is a lover of Starbucks and enjoys hanging out with her friends, always coming up with the next best hangout and begging me to drive her around town for her social commitments (slow your roll, girl!) She loves life and that makes me so happy!

But this past year, her busy social life did take away from her other responsibilities; she slacked a bit in school as she wrapped up 8th grade and lost her study habits which directly affected her once "straight A" report cards. I had to go as far as disconnecting her line because, like a typical modern teenager, her phone became a priority and blinded her for a while.  There was pouting and complaining but she got over it and was able to get back on track. She also had her first boyfriend and first heartbreak but her poise and easy-going personality helped her through it and the experience was good for her.

Olivia is sweet, caring, loves to travel the world, and worries so much about everyone.  She makes me so proud and I can never thank God enough for choosing me to be her mom.  She makes me a better mother and a better person and I am so happy to live life with her. 

On your 14th birthday, please know that I will love you forever and will always support you even when I think your ideas are crazy. Never stop loving life and always dance like no one is watching!

Happy birthday my sweet girl! 

Gaby is 12!

When I was growing up, I never thought of myself as the "maternal" kind; I didn't play "mom" with dolls, didn't think of what my kids' names would be or how many children (if any!) I would have.  But here I am, 3 kids later, with the complete certainty that having children is the biggest blessing of my life so celebrating their birthdays is naturally one of my favorite things to do. 

And today my "little" Gaby turns 12 so this is a big day for us! Gaby is definitely my most difficult child; she is stubborn (I wonder where she gets it from!?! LOL), hot-headed, irritable, and impulsive. But she's also sweet, inquisitive, kind, compassionate and so many other good things that would take me hours to list.  I just love her so much!

This year has been a difficult one for Gaby; at age 12 she is constantly struggling to define herself and find her own space. She tends to gravitate towards solitary activities and has had many issues with sadness and lack of motivation. The isolation from the pandemic put a damper on her personality and she has been trying so hard to come out of the funk. I know she's getting there but I would be lying if I said it hasn't been a challenge. I know it hasn't been easy but I also trust her resilience so much and have seen so many positive changes lately. 

Gaby is a very family-oriented girl, incredibly affectionate, an avid reader, very analytical, and such a great sister to both Olivia and Oliver.  She is an organizer and loves to make plans to get her friends together.  She is a cat and sugar lover, who loves cooking and painting. So many traits that make her who she is and make me such a proud mom!

Gaby, on your birthday I'd like you to know that my love for you has no end and that even when the road seems tough ahead, I will always be here to help you push through it so you come out stronger on the other side.  You are a blessing to me and if I did nothing else right in my life, being your mom would be just enough! 

Happy Birthday my sweet girl!