Tuesday, May 1, 2018

Why lie?... this s**t is hard!

**DISCLAIMER: this is a therapeutic post that includes some whining on my part, don't read if self-pity bothers you in the slightest**

"I don't know how you keep it all straight!"- this was a phrase uttered by a close friend, one that most likely *thinks* that I've got a handle on things.. or something along those lines...
She uttered the phrase (or should I say payed me the compliment) during one of the most difficulty "mommy" days I've had in a while when Iggy happened to be out of town (yet again!), the girls had loads of homework, Oliver had been running a high fever for 5 days straight, I had period cramps and probably hadn't slept well in over a week (or a year? or 10?) and I'm sure many other things were going just as wrong but I'd rather not think about it... 
But somehow, in the middle of chaos, someone still thought I could "keep it all straight"... could I? It's one of those times when you think "what the hell does she mean?"
I pride myself in being honest (albeit too honest sometimes) so I say "why lie?"... this s**t is hard! Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with LIFE that I want to crawl in a hole and cry for days (or maybe sleep for days?)... as much as I try to "keep it straight" I know I fall short so many times and I get so exhausted in the process that sometimes I lose myself.  
When women picture themselves having kids they often think of the glamorous parts of it; the prospect of having a fresh cuddly newborn that will smell delicious and will be our forever sidekick helps many forget that motherhood is HARD and that more times than not it is everything BUT glamorous. 
When Iggy and I discussed having kids I always thought 3 was my perfect number; he didn't have a number but he was sure he wanted to be a father at some point so when we finally embarked on the parenthood journey we were happy about it.  Olivia was a fairly easy baby; she slept through the night at 6 weeks, ate whatever we gave her, talked quickly, walked even quicker and hit every milestone in the book right around the expected time.  Gaby was very similar; she was very independent from early on and rarely ever cried and even though she was a slightly picky eater (still is!) there wasn't really anything about her that would make me feel overwhelmed or that would deter me from having another child.

We tried (unsuccessfully!) for a 3rd baby and once a few years had passed and it didn't happen, we settled on 2 and were genuinely happy about it. Then, to our surprise, came Oliver.......

I can't even remember why he was crying here!

To say that he is a "difficult" child would be unfair because he is such a sweet boy, but he has definitely been a "difficult" situation to deal with because he basically destabilized our whole family.  Even though I love my child with all my heart, sometimes I wonder why God thought I could handle another kid and I often think of how our lives worked so well when he wasn't around... this s**t is HARD!
He is so incredibly clingy and "needy", always wants someone around him and requires so much more attention than any of the girls ever did. He doesn't sleep through the night and is basically the reason I look like a zombie half the time and he sucks me dry in every sense of the word (extended breastfeeding, anyone?)
I went to the doctor a week ago and recently received my blood test results; those results showed my cholesterol is high (not alarmingly high...but HIGH!), my vitamin D is incredibly low (that would explain why I'm always so fatigued) and my body is just not RIGHT!  I won't blame Oliver for this, or any of my kids for that matter, but I do blame the fact that this s**t is hard.. oh so hard! Somewhere along the way I let myself go, I have given so much to my kids that I have forgotten that I need to do "ME" sometimes too...and I have to work on it!
There are many days that I am EXHAUSTED, so exhausted I can't even think straight and all I can do is trust that God would never give me a heavier cross than I could carry and pray that He won't trust me so much in the future! ;)
And just to set the record straight, I want to say that I am not depressed or out of my mind but sometimes I feel like I need to put it all out there and be honest with myself to get some perspective in life and acknowledge that I am not alone in this journey.  I also like to remind myself that while my kids are no angels (who is?), they are pretty darn amazing and I am grateful every day for their presence in my life....this reminder would be particularly helpful when I find myself cleaning the 20th pee puddle of the day resulting from potty training a stubborn 2 year old (ugh!!!)....
 I also need to remind myself that it is OK to feel overwhelmed sometimes and to say out loud 
"This s**t is HARD!"

So yes... motherhood is incredible but is is also exhausting and raw!
I am thankful for my partner in crime who is willing to clean pee puddles alongside with me and who does everything in his power so I can sleep in on weekends and recoup from long and lonely weeks filled with fevers, homework and period cramps!

So "Keep Calm and Mommy On!"... life is beautiful...

...although one thing I'm not sure is "how I keep it all straight!"... Ha.....

He fell asleep on the floor after crying non stop for an hour
Just when I thought I could have a minute for myself

Crying over "something!"

Excess energy after a jam packed day

They can be angels..sometimes!

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