Thursday, March 27, 2014

Saying good bye is never easy....

Irene Colmenares (Sept 19th, 1928- March 25th, 2014)
"If I die today, please know that I had a wonderful life and I am forever thankful for that" is one of the phrases my grandma said to me during one of our many conversations in the course of her deteriorating health journey.
My grandma was a great woman; she was humble, loving, decisive and very giving.  She lived a good life and always knew to be thankful for all of her blessings and appreciate every day that passed. She was a woman of faith and was very confident that the day the Lord called her would be a happy day as she was sure she always gave her all in everything she did and always trusted that God was leading her way...
My grandma and I used to play Scrabble almost daily; I still remember the first time we played...I was a little girl who barely knew how to read and write and she would just let me make up crazy words so I could use all my letters and beat her score! I will miss our Scrabble matches oh so much! It is because of her that I beat most people at "Words with Friends" and she knew that! ;)
Grandma was very sick; she had been struggling for years with a devastating pulmonary insufficiency and had to gasp for air almost daily; she always told me her biggest fear was to die feeling asphyxiated... I promised her I wouldn't let that happen... and I didn't.  When she was admitted to the ER on Monday and was subsequently referred for an ICU consult, I knew the end was near.  As the doctors brought up the DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) conversation, fear took over...with over 10 years of experience in geriatric social work, this scenario was all too familiar for me, I just couldn't believe it was happening to US. Even though I think our family had reached a state of resignation (considering her poor health), no one was ready for her to leave, everyone wanted to hold out hope and pretend she would get out of this one alive.
On Tuesday, I spent all day at her bedside, holding her hand and contemplating her face.  Our family had already made the decision that no aggressive care would be given and we would just let her illness run its course and just make her as comfortable as possible...and so it did, at 5pm my beloved grandma took her last breath and went to be with the Lord; she was surrounded by all of her family and felt our love until the last minute.
Watching my grandma die is one of the most difficult and saddest moments I've ever gone through; my grandma meant SO MUCH to me and she will forever be in my heart. I am happy that I have no regrets when it comes to Grandma..I spent my life telling her how much I loved her; I hugged her almost daily and spoke to her for hours on end...I really enjoyed her!
These past two days have been painful because saying good bye is never easy; knowing that we will no longer play Scrabble or engage in our daily conversations seems so surreal.  I've cried all the tears my eyes could possible cry; I've thought of her, prayed for her and even spoken to her; accepting that she is gone is so awful and I just hope that this pain will go away and turn into some sort of positive emotion that I can use to console myself but for now I'm grieving and I am freely living such grief.
I know you are happy dear Grandma; I know you lived a good life and I am sure you will watch over me for the years to come.  I will forever miss you and remember you as the great woman you were to me and some day we will meet again!
Thank you, Grandma for teaching me that family always comes first, that faith is always a central part of life and that no matter how hard life gets, there is always a reason to smile and be thankful!
I love you with all my heart!

3 comments:

Amoruccio said...

Un abrazo, Adri.

Jose Luis said...

Lindo mamita...

Darby said...

I'm so sorry for your loss Adriana! You have a new angel looking over you!