When anxiety catches up...

I promise I don't purposely abandon my blog for 3 months at a time, but sometimes life happens and my days are overcome with more pressing matters, although writing about those "matters" probably would help more than I'd like to admit. 

I have a way of dealing with things; I am blunt, I don't mope, I tend to focus on problem solutions rather than problem analysis. I don't get too attached, or offended, or sad about things.  Some might call it "cold", others might call it "practical", either way, it's what works for me and I'm ok with that. 

But because no one is invulnerable to stress and anxiety, my pragmatism can only get me so far and I too have suffered the effects of the uncertainty of these times, particularly when it comes to my two daughters. I've always been wary of the teenage years; the challenges that come with this stage of life are nothing to laugh about, especially during an era when they have access to insurmountable amounts of information and misinformation; it's hard to convince your child of something when the whole world tells them otherwise; it's hard to expect them to behave a certain way only because that is what has worked for us; it's easy to assume that their personalities will develop according to their surroundings and hard when we are faced with the opposite of that. 

In the past few months, I've had to deal with teenage heartbreak (first boyfriend and subsequent break-up), isolation, panic attacks, anxiety, school neglect, a transition to high school, the realization that friends change and you can't possibly please everyone, therapy and much more; and even though these things haven't happened to ME, it definitely feels like I'm living them right along with my kids and that adds a whole new layer of complexity that I wasn't ready for. How could I truly understand all these things if it's not me they're happening to? and how could I truly help if I don't know what they really feel like?  

My teenage years were a "walk in the park"; even though I moved to another country at the ripe age of 15, the fact that there were no phones and no way to bombard kids with "crap" probably made it a lot easier. Influencers, political correctness, #empowher, and the constant and exhausting need to prove yourself to others were not a thing and the world was a much happier place (according to my perception anyway!).  The amount of pressure modern kids have to deal with is no joke and that in turn translates into added pressure for us parents, it really is NO JOKE! Never in a million years did I think I'd have to fear my kid committing suicide because she was bullied online, or that I'd have to fight for my kids to have a "normal life", or that I'd have to convince them of things that at some point were so obvious, or the fact that therapy is probably a "necessary evil" if I want to come out alive on the other side. And even with all that, my kids have "easy" but it does come with a cost, and anxiety catches up because just when I think I've got it all figured out, in comes the next thing to worry about, the next threat, the next issue, the next pain...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that anxiety is REAL and sometimes I fail to voice it and wait for the triggers instead of finding a shoulder to cry on or calling on a friend for a venting session.  I know I'm not alone...

Tips to handle anxiety?

Hypocrisy: the loss of authenticity

I remember when Facebook came out in the early 2000's; I used to "friend" everyone I remotely knew and for a while, it felt like a big happy friend reunion.  I started reconnecting with old friends, getting to know new friends and feeling like I was part of everyone's daily life, it was literally the best invention anyone could come up with. And for a while IT WAS all sunshine and butterflies...until it wasn't anymore. Gosh how I miss the years of well-intended and genuine people!

But this post isn't about social media (I think I've already said my piece on that topic) but about how we have become hypocrites in the name of "political correctness". My grandma used to say "la educación tiene un dejo de hipocresía", which would translate into something like "manners and education have a touch of hypocrisy". I will admit to that phrase not fully synching in until modern times happened, but now I GET IT!

Everyone talks about diversity of everything, but no one mentions diversity of thought. It seems like such a foreign concept to some to not have to always agree with each other. We are all individuals, we naturally think differently and while I am sure we all feel more comfortable around people who think like us, isn't that really boring?

Are we really just tolerating each other? Are we quickly slowly losing our authenticity and becoming the biggest hypocrites? Are we playing a role?

In my case, people who know me well know I am "radical"; many of my opinions are black and white and I can come across as arrogant and self-righteous.  People who know me well also know that I am passionate, understanding and compassionate. Despite my "radical" beliefs, I can appreciate diversity and I actually love a good debate. 

But it does get tricky because there is a fine line between blunt honesty and cruelty. I used to be an "I don't care what people think" kind of person but with experience and maturity, I have come to realize that caring about what people think shows empathy, which is a necessary (and very useful) quality. We all need to be empathic, everyone could use a little kindness in their lives.

But then I think "how much should we care?" Are we willing to lose our authenticity for the sake of empathy?  Am I a hypocrite too?  Do I want to be one?

I know people from all walks of life, I have friends that cringe at the thought of me voting for Trump (and I did!), friends that think my pareting approach is totally off and friends that completely disagree with me on every possible relevant subject, but I'd like to think those friends love me for who I am and embrace diversity of thought (I know I do!).  But some days I have my doubts!

I have lost faith on the idea that "everyone has the best intentions"; we have become slaves to political correctness and in the process we have lost our authenticity and traded it for "social hypocrisy", a quality that our society promotes and has turned us all into single-layer individuals that no longer have the backbone to stand for something but can surely fall for anything so long as it avoids controversy and prevents disagreements. We have come to believe that thinking differently and not going with the flow is evil, that it somehow turns us into rivals. I hope we snap out of it soon!

So to end, I want to say THANK YOU to the real, authentic people in my life, to the friends who are willing to stay in my corner even when they think what I say makes no sense and they'd rather run and hide but decide to stay. Thank you to the ones that can tell judgement and concern apart, to the ones that value honesty and aren't afraid to challenge me when they deem it necessary, Thank you to the ones whose love and friendship don't depend on political views or feeling hurt by a differing opinion. Thank you to the ones that hold on to their authenticity and will never give into hypocrisy! 

Happy Blogging! :)

Edited to add that I've been saying this all along, as evidenced by THIS OLD POST 

Perpetual Sadness

Disclaimer: This post is about a state of "Perpetual Sadness" in our world and not indicative of personal depression or other mental health issues. If you or someone you know is experiencing depression, please seek professional help.

There is something about coming to terms with raw emotions that tends to be intimidating. When I'm sad, all I want to do is sleep or be alone for a bit. 

But facing struggles is part of life and I wholeheartedly believe that a good support system makes all the difference in the world. I often tell my friends and family how blessed I feel for having them in my life; how knowing that a comforting word is only a phone call away makes everything so much easier...some days that comfort is needed more than others.

I have a good life, a life filled with happy moments, amazing memories, an awesome family, and many things going for me (thank you, God!) but lately, there are times when I can't shake that feeling of perpetual sadness that often floods my days. I know sadness is a normal reaction to a loss, disappointment, problems, or other difficult situations and feeling sad from time to time is just another part of being human; but sometimes I feel like the world's current state is just so overwhelming. 

I find myself crying randomly when I pick up my kids from school and see all those children in masks; I know it sounds silly but it just makes me so sad to see what things have turned into and I wonder when we'll be able to go back to some sort of "normal" (I know many people feel this way too). 

I see people around me losing their common sense by the minute and our natural reaction is now to avoid physical contact or personal closeness; the very things that make our hearts beat faster, the things that make us feel loved and connected. I miss the normal and abundantly happy times that we were all so used to.

When I turn on the TV, all I see is a polarized world, a world in which feelings don't matter and the best opinion is the one that matches your own, even if it makes no sense at all. Outside of TV, I see people misconstruing intentions, trampling over moral values, imposing ideas without hearing the other side of stories, spewing insults to strangers, ignoring priorities, and simply not loving one another. 

But whose fault is it? Is this the pandemic's fault? Is it the politicians' fault? or is it US?

We have become used to living in a world of perpetual sadness and I often ask myself how long is too long for sadness? How long is too long for hate? When will the world start focusing on what is good instead of what's bad or offensive?

Ironically enough, my blog's name is "Stories of a Happy Mom" and while I do still consider myself a "happy mom", I find happiness incompatible with the current state of affairs and that just makes me sad.  I have lost faith in humanity, I have seen and heard things this past year that I never thought I'd see or hear.  Sometimes nothing makes sense. 

I find refuge in knowing that it's still very much possible to make a "u-turn", that one day we'll all wake up and say "but there's still so much good among us" and will simply act on it and move on from this worldly funk and perpetual sadness we've all become accustomed to. 

I challenge every one of my readers to begin each day with a grateful heart, to make a choice to be happy and focus on the good.  We can all be each other's light in the darkest times and share the joy in the brightest days!

Happy Blogging!

Happy 2021!

 

It's weird to be back to blogging after so long, only to wish everyone a "Happy New Year" in mid-January; but I guess it's better than not showing up at all and leaving my poor blog to die alone.  

I won't write another post about how "bad" 2020 was or how "redemptive" 2021 will be, because the truth is that we all live different experiences and any given year is what we make of it. In all honesty, 2020 was a bit uninspiring as far as writing goes but life went on, and incredibly enough, a lot of good things happened for us.

As far as updates go, I can say that we've all managed to stay healthy in the middle of this devastating pandemic, the kids have been back to in-person school, Iggy and I have been working the whole time and we bought a house! (yay!)

Here's a recount of the 3 top things that 2020 brought for us and how we managed to turn them into a positive almost every time:

1. Anxiety: Between the lockdowns and the uncertainty, I know I am not alone when I say that my anxiety was through the roof for a good few months. Not knowing what was coming next, and being bombarded with bad news on a daily basis was hard but a lot of learning came from it.  I was able to turn my anxiety into coping and my coping into spirituality and I can honestly say I'm a better person now when the pandemic started... and for that I'm thankful! I can now handle anxiety better and help others to do the same. Prayer was always a part of my life, but now it's definitely the center of it. "Nothing is impossible to God!"

2. Restrictions: Everyone who knows me is well aware that I love to travel, I also love shopping and hanging out with friends, so the restrictive nature of 2020 was rough for me.  Not only were we confined to certain places and spaces, but we were also constantly missing the human interaction and seeing how the world crumbled around us.  The restrictions, however, brought on more family "togetherness" and with that came better family relations and a mandatory prioritizing of life in general. If this pandemic taught me anything, it was the fact that all we need to be happy is each other and I am grateful that we were able to rediscover ourselves and nurture our family life. Board games, anyone?

3. Isolation: We are relational individuals, we are used to sharing our experiences with others and that is a big part of life, especially when you are a teenager and constantly crave interactions with other teenagers and like-minded people, so the isolation part of the pandemic was particularly damaging to both Olivia and Gaby. It was hard seeing the kids so alone and at times very sad; they were isolated and relying on technology to hold on to that little bit of contact they had with their friends and with that came an obsessive addiction to social media that wa verging on dangerous. So about two months ago, we made the decision to do away with phones for the girls and help them in refocusing their energy to do more "productive" activities and we have not looked back! Some of you might remember this post from 2019 where I talked about my regrets for giving Olivia a phone at age 10. As time went on (and especially during this pandemic), I was able to take a closer look at the danger that comes with the access that a phone provides and I am 100% convinced that kids DO NOT NEED PHONES! So in a way, I am thankful to the pandemic for opening my eyes and helping me get the courage to disconnect the phones and restrict social media for the girls in a world where that seems so odd  (I will write more about this in a future post- I call it the "reclaim my child's brain" movement). I must say that the girls now have even better relationships with their friends, as crazy as that sounds! ;)

Anyway, enough for a comeback post.. I promise I'll blog more this year and I hope everyone has a wonderful 2021, filled with great opportunities.  I hope we all continue to be finders of the silver lining and bearers of smiles and good news.  As tough as life gets, I am confident that humanity and love will always prevail! 

I pray especially for anyone who has been affected by COVID whether it was losing a loved one, a job or having their life turned upside down.

Happy 2021! :)

Sweet and Sour!

 I won't candy-coat it, raising children is HARD and getting them through the teenage years is twice as hard!

I'm sure no mother likes to think of her child as "difficult" but sometimes these challenges are unavoidable and definitely undeniable. I have arrived at parenting adolescents..now what?

Olivia turned 13 this past summer and even though she has been an overall uncomplicated daughter and mostly sweet, I'm starting to see the sourness come out as she grows into her skin and develops her own sense of self. At the moment she's going through the "my parents have no clue" stage, where not only thinks she knows it all but also that she knows way more than either of her parents does.  I know we all probably went through a similar stage and we turned out fine but I would be a fool to deny that in this process, being the parent is much harder than being the teen. 

The bickering usually starts when I offer a dissenting opinion on any given subject or when I dare to criticize one of her decisions, friends, actions, etc (but I'm the mom, right!?); what starts as a minor disagreement is quickly followed by a major eye roll, a loud "but mom!", and at times a door slam and walking away... man... it's tough! 

I want to be clear that in no way I'm saying that Olivia is rude or disrespectful towards me but she does have her moments where clarity just isn't there and the teenage attitude gets the best of her. I can't stand it! I know teenagers are immature and this is all part of life but the ever-growing difficulty of our relationship frustrates me to no end. I always envisioned this great relationship with my teenager, where I could raise above and always be the adult, but sometimes I fail miserably and feel like such a loser!

When talking about modern parenting, it is important to acknowledge that today's parents face many challenges that didn't exist 20 or even 10 years ago; the increasing access to information, the decay of our society as a whole, the politics, the "influencers", technology, social media; I could go on and on but I think I've made my point.  Many of these challenges are so new that as parents we are still developing ways in which to deal with them and teenagers are learning right along with us; it makes an already difficult situation even worse.  I've always had a "beef" with app developers that create apps that aid children in lying to their parents and hiding stuff altogether.  Apps such as Snapchat and Tik Tok seem to be made with an explicit intent to allow children to live ahead of their years and often force parents to unknowingly relinquish their authority and while one could argue that children and teenagers don't need a phone, the truth is that a phone isn't the only way for children to access these apps or get a hold of all the information (or should I could it disinformation?) that is always going around and many times constitutes indoctrination and brainwashing. 

I know I'm not alone when I say that dealing with a teenager has turned out to be among the most unpleasant things I've gone through as a mother and at the risk of sounding dramatic or trivial, I really hope this stage is over soon because sometimes I feel so lost and defeated.

How are you dealing with your teenager?  

11 and 13

It has been a week since my girls turned 11 and 13 and I wanted to keep my personal "tradition" by writing something to honor them. 

I have been parenting for 13 years now; I have been on a rollercoaster of emotions for that long too and even though most days I feel like I'm succeeding at it, I would be lying if I said that there aren't terrible days when I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing.  As a mother, I question myself a lot; I often wonder if I'm modeling the behavior needed to raise good humans, I wonder if my kids love me, I ask myself what else I could be doing to make their lives better, I wonder if I'm doing my absolute best effort at giving them all the tools they need to be great people and to succeed in life and because this week someone I know tragically lost her 4-year-old child, I have also found myself wondering how much time I will have with my children in this earthly life...too many thoughts fill my mind.

But despite all my self-doubt and the terrible parenting days, I know my children are an absolute blessing; they are healthy, smart, loving, and kind-hearted people who are making the world a better place and for that, I am happy and satisfied.

On July 16th Gaby turned 11 years old, she will soon be starting middle school and even though she's shy and mostly a loner, she's an absolute joy to be around.  Gaby loves reading, playing Roblox, eating all the sugar, and spending time with her cats (cat lover like her mama!).  Gaby is a girl of few friends, very private and quite irritable at times, part of her personality so we understand her. This year's celebration was very different from prior birthdays (for obvious reasons); she chose to have 2 friends over and thoroughly enjoyed her afternoon. I realize Gaby doesn't need much to be splendidly happy but she does crave love and affection so I will live to give her as much of that as I possibly can, all the days of my life.  Happy Birthday, Gaby! We love you so much!

On July 17th Olivia officially became a teenager, although I could argue she has had that teenage "sass" for some time now ;) Olivia is a shining star; she has such a magnetic personality and a huge heart! She loves Harry Styles, decorating and re-decorating her room, fashion, and make-up (not sure where she got that one from! LOL).  She has also become quite the shopper but I can proudly say she's super conscious about money (she did get that from me, thank God!). As opposed to Gaby, Olivia is very outgoing and a complete social butterfly, I really love that about her! She spent her birthday with one of her friends and had an absolute blast regardless of current limitations. Happy Birthday, Olivia! Go be a teenager!

I thank God every day for my children, I am grateful for all the blessings that are poured onto our family every day, I am also grateful for the not so good days when I question myself and when I fail because they are an opportunity to learn and grow.  I pray that God gives me the wisdom to raise good people and hope that if my kids only ever remember one thing about me is that I will always try my absolute hardest to love them for who they are. 

And last but not least, I would like to offer a special prayer for the mom who lost her precious child this week, may she have the strength to cope with such terrible loss and may we all be conscious of the collective suffering of a life lost. 

The hate that keeps on giving

It used to be so easy to blog, I'd just think of some happy anecdote or a fun topic to share and "boom" it was all great in my happy blog world!

Then the pandemic started and everything (and everyone!) turned sour. The "happy mom" in me started to wither away.  

It all started with a hate email I received, presumably from someone I went to elementary school with (someone who probably hasn't seen me in over 25 years since my elementary years were in Venezuela).  According to this "hater" and apparent stalker, there is an official "Adriana hating club" made up of people that take my pictures off the internet to make fun of me, belittle me, and occasionally wish ill on my children and my marriage, claiming it's all about karma because (according to her) I was a bully in school.  The email is probably one of the most horrific things I have read in my life but funnily enough, it only made me feel sorry for whoever wrote it (it was an anonymous sender) because not only was it entirely false but even if whatever she wrote on there was true, what kind of person can harbor so much hate for someone after so long?.  First I was shocked, then angry and then a bit amused. But the point of bringing this up isn't to fish for sympathy (believe me, I got over that email pretty quickly!) but to point out the fact that after that email, seeing the "ugly" in people became an everyday thing, feeling disappointed in people became a sort of norm and my eyes were strangely open to the insurmountable amount of hate that others harvest in their heart, sometimes for people they don't even know or will never meet. 

With all that has being going on in the world, social media has quickly become a repository of hateful commentary, often disguised as causes with a purpose or respectful disagreements between people who are presumably on friendly terms. It became a toxic addiction for everyone and suddenly even my closest "tribe" turned into keyboard warriors with no regard for anyone's feelings.  I realized that getting along with hypocrites is rather easy but standing up to "friends" is the complete opposite. I've had friends comment on how much the internet affects their mood or how watching something on TV turns their day sour; this is upsetting, it's unsettling and I know it won't end any time soon!

I am concerned with our world and not only because of the obvious (we all know what I mean!) but because the root of all those problems is simply the hate that keeps on giving and will keep on giving for as long as we feed it.  I don't recognize many people anymore, it's hard to see where people stand and even harder to have hope in a world that progressively fell on its knees and now blames it on a pandemic or tragic events that have uncovered the ugly in us. 

I want to go back to the time where I could blog carelessly without fear of offending someone for something, I long for the mundane, I long for the "happy times" that brought everyone together, I want to trust that everyone who is close to me only wishes the best for me as I do for them. I want to be able to get on social media without fear of "bad news" or "bad juju".

I'm tired of fakeness, I'm tired of haters, I'm tired of Debbie downers, I'm tired of people politicizing everything, I'm just tired of the hate...the hate that keeps on giving!